Wishing

This song sums everything up. Wishing by Sugarland. I saw you tonight, I thought I could be strong, but obviously not. I miss you so much, it makes me sad, but I won't let it bring me down to my knees again. I just pray to God to give me the strength and will to move on....Wishing I didn't love you anymore...

Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim
I know it's gonna fit me like a friend
Or some radio song you can't help but sing along
Wishing they'd spin it over and over again

Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive
Smell of rain on a summer night
Anything that brings a little more comfort my way
But sometimes, there's those times
It's gotta be you

I keep telling myself I'm movin' on
But I'm stumbling
Believin' my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wanderin'
But every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you anymore

I've tried turning to the arms of someone new
But I can't seem to fool this fool
I've seen closin' times with every bottle dry
And I've seen days alone in my own room
I've asked God and magazines, stacks of books and movie screens
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way
But sometimes, there's those times
It's gotta be you

I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on
But I'm stumbling
Believin' my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wandering
'Cause every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you anymore
Will you give me more?

I've done everything I can to forget
If there is a way, I ain't found it yet

I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on
Believin' my heart was strong
But every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you
What I'd give if I could touch you

Wishin' I didn't love you anymore

With Time...

"In this life, I was LOVED by you...." -Brada Iz

It has been 13 years since I last saw you smile, since I last hugged you, since the last time I heard you say "I love you baby."  13 years is a long time ago, but it seems like just yesterday I walked through the hospital room door to say my last and final goodbye. You were weak, sick and suffering; I didn't understand then what I understand now.  To me, at the age of 8 it was just a normal visit to the hospital, thinking you'd be home soon with the rest of us.  I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand anything. I thought you left me, I thought you wanted to go, for a long time I felt that I was the one who made you sick and I thought it was all my fault that you were gone.  But as the years progressed, I realized and I learned that death is a part of life and that one day we will be reunited once again.  I hated you for leaving, every aspect of my life changed, everything went downhill, I blamed every wrong decision, every wrong choice made by my parents, my grandma, my family on your death.  Everyday I thought to myself, "if papang was alive, thing would be soo different"  But now I understand and I accept that things happen for a reason, death being one of them. 

As time passed, I began to not hate you, to not blame you.  I accepted the fact and accepted the things going on in my life. I didn't understand anything, growing up, but now I do. I've become a strong and independent woman, one who values friendship, love and compassion for others. I've learned to stand on my own two feet, to stand my ground and BE WHO I AM.

But lately I've been feeling so blue.There's never been a time in my life where I've ever felt more lost.  I really wish you were here, physically, to comfort and support me.  I just miss you so much. I just long to hear your words of advice, to hear you say that "everything is going to be okay."  I love my friends and all that they do for me, but right now I'm longing for love from my family, and I'm not getting it. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost, confused, isolated and in the dark, I wish you were here to make it better.

Remembering your death anniversary hurts me a lot, yet I know you are in a better place, watching over me and everyone else. I haven't felt so emotional, lost, sad and confused all at once where it just overwhelmed me. I'm pretty sure I am at my breaking point.

But I just wanted to say, that I miss and Love you very much. I remember singing this song at your funeral and every time I hear it, I think of you.  I love you.

Nothing

It feels like it was just yesterday...when I held you tight in my arms beneath the starlit sky with the sound of the ocean breaking against the wall we sat on. Each memory replays in my mind over and over again. I thought by now, I would've learned to let go. I thought I was doing better, not thinking about you or even talking to you. I thought I would be able to let go after those hurtful things you said, it made it easier, but I still think about you.

Every day, every single day I can't get you out of my mind.  Lately you've been there, sitting in my mind, making my heart pound, making my body yearn for your touch...something.  Things will never be the same. But I do know, the only thing that won't change is how I feel about you.  I honestly miss you. A lot.

This song has been on repeat, it pretty much explains its all. "I wanted words, but all I got was Nothing." In reality, I get nothing from you. Not even an acknowledgement. That hurts me more than ever. Seeing you everyday between classes, knowing that you see me yet...nothing.  I always have to fight the urge to look your way, or to even smile. Because honestly, as much hurt and pain I'm feeling, I still smile when I see you.  But from you...nothing...

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh I got nothing

I got nothing [x3]

Still yet...

Out of all the pain I've been through. After all the sadness, the tears and the frustration.  After many sleepless nights, b*tching and complaining.  After telling you everything that I needed to say; after you telling me we can't be friends, that I'm a disappointment, that I'm kind of immature and a kind of a bad decision...After being hurt, confused and lost.  I STILL miss you.  As much as I say that I don't want to see you, that I don't want to talk to you; a part of me still longs for that moment when I see you or for a moment where we talk for a brief moment.

I don't know why. I can't explain it myself. I can't understand why.  But for some odd reason, deep down inside, through all the hurt and pain you've caused, I really still do miss you.  I know its bad, I know I should stay away and I have been keeping my distance, but although it doesn't hurt as much I still want to feel your presence.  Weird I know. I still think about you, I still have feelings for you, BUT moving on is my number one priority. I've been good at keeping at that. Keeping my distance, ignoring you, fighting my emotions. Just have to keep at it.

Sometimes I wish though....that somehow I can tell you I miss you, or somehow you would know that I do. Sometimes I wonder if you miss me too or think about me the way that I think about you sometimes.
I really don't know.  But day after day, it gets easier and easier to get through this little obstacle. I'm trying and I'll keep at it...

Will I?

This song has been on repeat for the last week. I'm trying to get over it the best I can. At the moment the words of this song speak to me. I shouldn't let it get to me, so I've been listening to this song to help me get through it. There are numerous lyrics saying that "I'll Be Fine," but will I? If I believe I will be fine, maybe in the long run I will.....It really is killing me...

I'll Be Fine by Stevie Hoang. His music speaks to me. I love it. Check it out.

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)

Now deep down inside
You know, it cuts like a knife
But I'm too proud to show it
Pain in my chest (it feels)
Like I lost my breath
But she just doesn't know it
So many things that I'm just dying to say
But I can't seem to tell her

It's killing me, to know that she wants to leave
But I'm not gonna beg her to stay (no)
Cause I got my pride, I'm not gonna cry (cry)
There won't be no tears falling from these eyes
Don't need her to see, that it's killing me
So this is what I'll say

You don't have to worry about me
Girl, I'll be fine
You don't have to call me again
Girl, its alright
You don't have to ask me if i will be okay
Girl, I'll be fine
Girl, I'll be fine

You ain't got to tell me that we can still be friends
You ain't gotta make no excuses and pretend
Cause I'll be fine, said I'll be fine
There's no need to call

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)

Now I cant believe, that I fell so deep
And I let my heart so open
Now I gotta try, to keep it inside
These words, are better left unspoken

Cause I still got my pride, I'm not gonna cry
There wont be no tears falling from these eyes
Don't need her to see
That its killing me
So this is what I'm saying

You don't have to worry about me
Girl, I'll be fine
You don't have to call me again
Girl, its alright
You don't have to ask me if I will be okay
Girl, I'll be fine
Girl, I'll be fine

You ain't got to tell me that we can still be friends
You ain't gotta make no excuses and pretend
Cause I'll be fine, said I'll be fine
Theres no need to call

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)

Girl I'll be fine (said I'll be fine)
There's no need to call
Its better if we don't speak at all

Some days

Some days are easy, some days are hard.

Some days I miss you, some days I don't.

Some days I want to be with you, some days I wish I never met you.

Some days I wake up thinking today will be a better day, some days I just want to lay in bed and cry.

It really sucks not knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling. I know things weren't supposed to get this complicated or go so far, but no matter what, we said that we would always be friends. Having the feeling that I am NOTHING to you now hurts me the most. I want to talk, but you don't want to. You even deleted my number. Wow. Low blow to me.

I'm sorry I called you a bitch. I'm sorry that I let things get so far between us. I'm sorry that I fell in love with you. I'm sorry that I care about you. I'm sorry that I've become close with your family. I'm sorry that I'm attached to your little sister. I'm sorry that things went the way they did. I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry for kissing you. I'm sorry for holding you to let you know I'm there. I'm sorry for hugging you. I'm sorry for smiling every time I saw you or thought of you. I'm sorry for taking you lunch. I'm sorry for answering your calls. I'm sorry for replying to your texts. I'm sorry for spending time with you. I'm sorry for inviting you to my house. I'm sorry for caring. I'm sorry for showing you a whole other side of things. I'm sorry I went drinking because I didn't know what to do about you. I'm sorry I'm nice. I'm sorry that I'm always there. I'M SORRY.

If I could take it all back, I would, but the past is the past. Things happen. All we can do is accept the facts and move on. I really hope we work things out and just be FRIENDS. I thought I knew you, but I guess I really don't.

Some days are harder than the rest. I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I miss you, and I have days where I wish I never met you. But no matter what, NOTHING is going to change the way that I feel about you. 

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets in the morning. So love the ones who treat you right and forget the ones who don;t. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it. If it changes your life let it. No one said it would be easy, just promised it'd be worth it."

Cute Song

Been listening to some of Aj Rafael's music lately. He is a striving artist. Pretty good. His songs are original, funny and true to the heart. This is song is cute. Check it.

When We Say (Juicebox) - AJ Rafael

Somethin bout the way
Somethin in the way you look
In my eyes
You make everything so damn easy
So easy that I don't got to worry bout a thing

And baby when we touch
All I can see is the image of us
Sitting by the ocean
Just before the dusk
Sippin on a juice box and
Sand between our toes

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you right

Just tell me you don't love me
Tell me you don't feel the same way that I do
Tell me I don't make you smile
Like I do when you walk in the room
You're so hard to let go

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we say it's forever
But this ain't a fantasy
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you right

This hurts so much to know that you're
With someone else when you should be with me
It's just hard to accept that I can't be around
He better be treatin you good
I'm no Einstein but I know a sign
When I see one
And I know you love me too
I know you love me too

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you good
So good
You got your life
He better be treatin you right

The Remedy

Whenever I'm feeling down or just have the urge to get away, there are certain places that I would go.

Places where I can clear my head, be alone and reflect on everything.

The Ocean. The ocean is my remedy.

The sounds of the waves crashing, the currents pulling in and out.

The colors of the sky as it changes with the time of day.

There is nothing more perfect to clear your head than by surrounding yourself with a clear sky and the ocean at your feet.

For me anyway. Refer to my blog http://gaylee07.blogspot.com/2011/07/wash-away.html it explains it all.

The PERFECT Remedy. 

Strange Feelings

Its funny how much I fight the urges to text you.  Sometimes all I want to say is that I Miss You. You're running through my mind all day. I can't get you out of my head. No matter how hard I try, I miss that smile, I miss your laugh, I miss everything about you. I don't know how to act. It's funny how drinking makes me miss you 100x more than I really should...ugh alcohol, why do you have to be soo evil.

All I have to say is that I miss you and I don't know how you don't miss me too, but apparently you don't and I have to live with that. I need to accept it and move on. I keep saying that I have accepted that it isn't more than just friendship, but apparently I haven't...


I miss you so so much....if only I could just have one last night with you....to tell you how much I love you...better yet, SHOW you how much I love you...

The Best Thing I Never Had

 "There was a time I thought that you did everything right. No lies, no wrong. Boy I, must've been outta my mind, so when I think of the time that I almost LOVED you, you showed your ass and I saw the real you.  I wanted you so bad, I'm so through with it cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had. And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had, I bet it sucks to be you right now." -Beyonce

What's done is done. It is what it is. I can't change a thing that happened. It happened, it's over with, it's done. This past weekend, I realized that I don't need someone who doesn't even care about my feelings, or respect me as a person to hold me down. I admit, I was blind, I was fool, hoping for something to happen, something to spark, something to pick me up and give me hope. But NOPE nothing. After everything, I tried to be friends, you made it so hard. Clearly friendship is what you wanted, but NOW, I'm catching the vibe that you don't even care, that you don't even want me around. I'm not going to say that I regret it, because I don't. It was one of the best things that happened to me, having you. But after all the pain, sadness, excess drinking, frustration and anger, I've decided that enough is enough. I saw what I needed to see this weekend, I heard what I needed to hear. I'm tired of trying to fight for something that doesn't want to be fought for. So you know what, I am soo OVER trying. I'll be around, I'll be there if you need me, I'll still be your friend, but quite frankly I'm so over it that I don't give a shiz about it anymore. I finally opened my eyes and realized what a fool I've been. No more moping around, no more grumbling or complaining. What's done is done. A new attitude and a new way of looking at things. But I hope you know, that no matter what, I'll always be your friend, and I would never let anything come between us, just saying, cuz thats the kind of person I am. But as of right now, I'm letting you go, moving on and bouncing back. I lived. I learned. Now to move forward.

Foooood.

I was going through my pictures, and I found a lot of pictures of food. Haha, I'm such a food-fanatic. Feed me and I'll be happy. Just to share a few...

Hiro's Chicken Katsu, Hash, Egg, Hotdog, Beef Bento.

  Filipno Night: Pork and Peas, Pinakbet, Fish Sabao, Pork Tabuangao, Banana Lumpia, Sweet Potato Salad, etc.

Batayaki Night for Jackie's Bday: Chicken, Beef, and Veggies

 Lunch in a Bag: Pesto Chicken Sandwich With Lays Sour Cream and Onion Chips

  Bubba Gumps: Garlic Shrimp, Onion Rings, Shrimp Poppers

 Bubba Gumps: Sampler Trio

 Bubba Gumps: Seafood Pot..mmmm

 Puka Puka: Ahi Don

 Seaside Restaurant: Blackened Ahi Salad

 Seaside Restaurant: Buffet Vegetable Platter; Zucchini, Eggplant, Bell Peppers, Sweet Potatoes

Seaside Restaurant: Buffet Fruit Platter and Dinner Salad

Hilo Bay Cafe: Grilled Ono, Bacon, Spinach, Blue Cheese Burger

Miyos: Lunch Special, Sesame Chicken, Tempura, Deep Fried Tofu

Cafe Pesto: Caesar Salad, Shrimp Poppers, Lava Flow

Hilo Bay Cafe: Crab Cake Salad, Saute Salmon, Lamb Mashed Potatoes, Black Berry Lava Flow

Puka Puka: Ahi Don and Lamb Pita

 Ocean Sushi Deli: Vegetable Curry, Volcano Rolls, Spicy Tempura Rolls, Unagi Rolls, Mermaid Rolls, Sashimi, etc.

Restaurant Nihon: Seafood Batayaki, Tempura, Sashimi

Aloha Luigi's: Chicken Caesar Wrap

Mari's House: Pork Adobo and Pork &Peas

Hawaiian Plate: Lau Lau, Kalua Pig, Chicken Long Rice, Lomi Salmon, Haupia, Rice

Zippy's: Chili Cheese Fries, Chili & Fried Chicken Plate

Girls Night: Steamed King Crab, Banana Cream Pie, Roasted Chicken, Garlic Soybeans

Gayle

Haha thanks to my budz, this was my reading entertainment for today =) made me kind of smile and laugh.

From www.urbandictionary.com

Gayle

Noun: One who sees the world through the eyes of angels.To be connected yet not attached. To seek harmony beyond balance; a peaceful warrior. One who encourages the authenticity of being. Sees the light in others. Having the uncanny ability to remain calm amongst chaos. To have a quiet confidence that is often mistaken for lack of. An insatiable quest for knowledge. Seeker of truth. One who lives off the edge. A soul that resonates to a divine frequency. One who constantly strives to better themselves. Student of ease. Sees beauty in simplicity. Clever negotiator, a philosopher, poet, author, composer, lover of life and beauty.   Adjective: Tender hearted, sensitive, intuitive, calm, loving, passionate, compassionate, clairsentient, creative, sensual, musical, vibrant, sexy, extremely feminine, spiritual, giving, brave. humorous, fair, balanced, adventurous, risk taker, nurturing, loving, highly intelligent, gifted, vulnerable.   "She stood quietly and still while embracing the beauty of the sunset, the brilliance of the light through the orange and purple clouds, observing the pattern of the birds in flight. She closed her eyes and felt a breeze walk through her soul and understood for the first time what it meant to be referred to as "Gayle"....for she was experiencing the world through the eyes of Angels...and her world was never the same again...."   Gayle    This woman is patient and reliable, warmhearted and loving, persistent and determined, placid and security loving. An absolutely dedicated woman that loves long relationships. Will walk away if backed into a corner and never look back.

Smile

Today I Smiled.

A Smile that I haven't seen in a while

It makes me happy, all tingly inside

Where my feelings no longer can hide.

The spur of the moment randomness

Makes my heart beat craziness.

I've missed this smile.

Won't you make this all worthwhile?

Today I smiled, and it was all because of you.

Oh how I've missed you...my dear smile.

Here I Am - Carly Patterson

Found this while shuffling through my ipod. It's a GREAT wake up song :) The lyrics speak the truth. Listen.

You.

I miss your smile.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your touch.

I miss your kiss.

I miss your hug.

I miss your texts.

I miss your calls.

I miss the way you made me laugh.

I miss the way you made me smile.

I miss the way you made me feel.

I miss the way you ran your fingers through my hair.

I miss the feeling of your hand in mines.

I miss the way your face lights up when you smile.

I miss the way your eyes sparkle when the sun shines down on you.

I miss the way you told me everything was going to be okay...

I MISS YOU...

Dangerous Feelin

I'm currently sitting in my back patio, surrounded by an endless sky filled with the moon and stars.  The sound of dogs barking in the distance, crickets and coqui frogs linger in the air while my music plays softly in the background.  The crisp cool air bring chills to my spine as I shiver and develop chicken skin. A perfect night to reflect, think, and clear my head...

I sit and think about my friend, who is going through a similar situation that I am going through.  Today she told me, "Everything, every little thing reminds me of him. I want to text him." These exact words run through my mind every minute and every second of the day.  It's hard to push something away, especially when you want it SOO bad.  The feeling of missing someone, knowing things will never be the same, knowing that choices have been made, knowing that everything will remind you of them SUCKS.  You know you had it bad when every little thing, every little moment sparks some kind of memory in your mind and makes you think of them.  How do you get past this you ask? I honestly don't know how, I've tried, it will take time. You just have to occupy your mind. But then again, I try to occupy my mind by keeping busy, helping others, doing things that make me happy....BUT there are those little things that remind you of that special someone.  Every time I think of this person, makes me want to text or call them.  Sometimes I text, but when you don't get a reply, that's what hurts the most, it's a time where you just have to tell yourself to let go.  Why fight for something that doesn't want to be fought for?  It's not going to be worth it in the end.  Through all the hurt and pain that I've endured over the last few weeks, I still want to move forward with this person, its like I haven't learned my lesson. This I shake my head to, but you know what they say... "You Can't Help How You Feel."

As days past, I've been getting stronger, but there are those moments where I want to crawl up into a ball and cry. No matter how hard I try to block out everything and anything that make me think of you, I always find something that just sticks out in my mind. I fell for you, and I fell for you fast. This "moving on and letting go" process is a lot more difficult as I thought...

Lately, everything reminds me of you...songs, cars, people, little things, random things, everything. I'm stuck in the moment of all of our memories. Everything replaying in my head, making me think of you, making me yearn for your presence....

A Life Wouldn't Be A Life Without Them

These faces; the smiles, the laughs, the cries, the tears are forever embedded in my memory, my heart and soul. Without them, I'd be lost. Without them, I'd be insane. Without them, I'd be a bum on the street going no where in life. Without them, I'd have no motivation. Without them, I'd have no laughter. Without them, I'd probably have money in my bank accounts or in my wallet. Without them, I probably wouldn't be an alcoholic. Without them, I'd be some anti-social nerd in the corner of the room. Without them, I wouldn't have the courage to face my demons. Without them, I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself. Without them, I would have no one. Without them, I wouldn't be me. Without them, I wouldn't smile. Without them, I wouldn't have anything to look forward to every week or every Monday. Without them, my life would be boring. Without them, my life would be incomplete. Without them, I wouldn't know how to love. Without them, my life would be BORING. These by far are the best people I've met. They have been there for me through thick and thin, and no matter what brings us down, we find a way to get over it and smile. When things try to tear us apart, we find reasons to stick together.

Who knew a job would lead you to so many great people? I love these guys so much! When my life felt like it wasn't going to get better, like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, these guys ALWAYS pulled me through. Thanks for always being there through EVERYTHING!

Accept and Move Forward

I admit, I've been stubborn, hardheaded, grouchy, sad, angry, frustrated....EVERY negative feeling that a person could ever feel.  I let pain rage through my body, bringing me down and influencing my thoughts, emotions and choices.  The saying "With Time, Things Will Get Better." I truly believe this is a fact; before I refused to accept that I could ever heal or stand back up after being pushed off a cliff.  As days progress, I feel better little by little every single day.  I find new reasons to smile and I find things to reflect upon that make me happy.  I realized that there are so many people in my life that wish the best for me, that wish me happiness; friends that have stood by me through the toughest times no matter how much I tried to push them away. I don't know why I refused their help, or shut them out, I feel badly, but things just happen.  We cannot control everything and that is a part of life...

I didn't think I could accept the fact that we could just be friends, I resorted to drinking excessively and not caring about anything at all.  I hit rock bottom. I wanted to die. I was a mess. I still am a mess, but with time I am slowly putting myself together, I am slowly putting together the pieces of my shattered heart. I've fallen into a well, struggling to crawl out. Slowly by slowly, inch by inch I've started to get off the ground.  I've come to accept this change, I can't change anything now.  I know what I want, but I can't have it.  I want to fight for you, I've been fighting for you, but you refuse to see that.  I can't wait forever, and as much as I have feelings for you I'm going to have to let you go.  I can't let you control my life, my feelings, my heart....  I ACCEPT the fact that we are just friends.  Maybe one day down the road things will be different, but for now I've accepted this fact and I am trying to make ends meet with my heart.  It takes time, and I may never get over you, but that is life and I need to accept it.

I've been so blind hurting and longing for you, that I didn't see, I refused to see everything else that made me happy.  You made me so happy, you made me smile, you made me feel like I was worth something, but when you took that away from me, I fell apart and broke into pieces, blinding and shutting out everything else that once brought me happiness.  But slowly, day by day, the happiness and smiles are returning..

Accept it. Let it go. Move forward.

Lifeless Smile

As I sit and reflect on things that are occurring in my life, I ponder upon the things that make me smile. Lately, I have been a lost soul, walking around within crowds of people so lost and confused.  Lifeless, crying out for help, burning deep with anguish, pain and sadness. The feeling of loneliness, emptiness and sadness continue to haunt me as I try to focus on the good things in life, the things that make me smile.  It is no longer an act, the hurt and pain continues to show, my smile no longer hides the feelings that is just waiting to rupture and explode from within.  A smile once filled with joy, happiness and excitement, is now just a lifeless gesture that shows my pain and sorrow.  There is so much things eating away at me inside, that no happiness or joy can find its way, only  getting lost in a dark cold world.

I am not the person that I used to be, anyone can tell you that, everyone can see it.  The sadness is spreading through my body like an uncontrollable virus, waiting to kill me slowly.  The only army fighting the sadness is my will to move on, to let go, to be happy.  But even now days, that army is slowly losing to the dark, cold world of sadness.  You can see it in my face, you can see it in my eyes, the signs of defeat. My smile can no longer hide the pain and agony within. It simply rests upon my face telling everyone that I am so close to accepting defeat.  No will to move on, no will to let go, nothing. Who knew, that one person can drastically affect your life that much....

I try to surround myself with people that once made me smile, made me happy. I play with my little siblings, the two growing up so fast, but even they sense that a part of me is different.  No matter what i went through, a couple minutes with them would always turn my day around, would always make me smile and happy. But after spending time with them, I only feel pain and sadness.  Why do I feel this way?
I surround myself with friends, who I know can make me laugh and smile. But I feel that I am so caught up and stuck in this black hole, that no matter what they say or do, cant genuinely bring out a REAL smile.  I'm stuck, in need of massive help.

I once loved life to the fullest, now I just want to sulk in my misery.  I'm trying to find ways to cope with this sadness, anger, fear and frustration. Day by Day when I think things are getting better. BAM! I get hit with a bomb that pushes me farther into the dark abyss.  


Who knew..all this...over you....

Realization

You obviously can't fix something that is meant to be broken. I put myself through situations that I know will not help me heal, but I do it because I want to.  Getting hurt or not doesn't even matter to me anymore.  Seeing your face, feeling your touch, watching you smile, only makes me realize how truly, madly, deeply I am in love with you.  Tonight I may have taken a step back, I must admit, I had fun, but was it really worth it to feel like this in the end.  I just wanted to be in your company, and I was, that was good. But going there and expecting something just was the wrong thing to do.  I should've expected that it would hurt me more.  And it did. My heart got ripped out once again.  An open wound was ripped apart even more, leaving nothing but anguish and pain.  I don't know if I should be angry or sad, happy or mad; I really don't know. I really want to disappear and disconnect myself from everyone; maybe that will help heal my pain, help heal my heartache. I love you so much, I wish you only understood.  But in order for me to move on, I want to disappear, reconnect with myself without any external influences, just me and my heart, mind and soul.  In time I will manage to heal, but as of right now, the pain lingers and penetrates my heart at random points in time.If you only knew how much I truly care and love you, maybe that will change things around  a bit... I love you so much..I honestly don't know how I will pull through....                                                                                                           

Wash Away

 

A serene location, isolated, calm and quiet. The sound of the waves crashing onto the shore, birds chirping in the far distance, children's laughter linger in the air, palms falling on the beach.  Everything around seems like a whole other world, so different yet familiar, like a fairytale yet sooo real. It's paradise, with the sun blazing high in the sky; the ocean at your feet, trees swaying, good company....nothing but pure happiness. So why do I feel so empty inside?

 The current pulling in and out of the shore, coming and going as it pleases, washing away all that lies in the sand, sweeping it away out to sea.  It takes what is meant to be taken off of the shore and leaves what is meant to remain.  The current caressing the sand, gently sweeping away the rocks, debris and the loosened sand, only to leave nothing but cool, smooth and beautiful sand.  This beauty remains only until the next current comes in, takes away what it pleases and leaves a new amazing set of beautiful grounds.  The current takes away what is meant to be taken and leaves what is meant to remain, metaphorically similar to the way life presents  us with people that come in and out of our lives.

Each person that comes into our lives, is like a new grain of sand, set upon the shore by the currents of the ocean.  Giving us something new and exciting to look forward to. It starts off new and starts off fresh. Clean, positive and beautiful.  But at any random moment, the current can come and wash it away. Taking away the sands that we once sought as beautiful and radiant.  Taking away what we once loved without any real explanation, reason or cause.  It just does. It creates a void that cannot be filled, it leaves us a question without an answer. The current sweeping away every last ounce of hope and happiness, slowly by slowly washing upon the shore, taking little by little, until everything is gone.

Once everything is gone, the current presents us with new hope, new thoughts, new explorations.  Newly settled sand laying in the cool ocean water that washed it upon shore.  We start off new, and fresh once again, only to expect it to be taken away from us once again...the circle of life. the beginning of the end. there is literally no hope to holding on to something that is only meant to be taken away. the emptiness, the loneliness. The lucky ones are the little bits and pieces of sand that are meant to remain, that bring happiness, beauty and joy, to those around.  Those grains of sand, are the ones we hold dear to our hearts, because they are meant to stay for a reason.  But in reality, the current washes away more sand than leaves. Giving us, once again, new hope that will probably, most likely result in being taken away, or torn from you, only to go through the cycle once again.