Realization

You obviously can't fix something that is meant to be broken. I put myself through situations that I know will not help me heal, but I do it because I want to.  Getting hurt or not doesn't even matter to me anymore.  Seeing your face, feeling your touch, watching you smile, only makes me realize how truly, madly, deeply I am in love with you.  Tonight I may have taken a step back, I must admit, I had fun, but was it really worth it to feel like this in the end.  I just wanted to be in your company, and I was, that was good. But going there and expecting something just was the wrong thing to do.  I should've expected that it would hurt me more.  And it did. My heart got ripped out once again.  An open wound was ripped apart even more, leaving nothing but anguish and pain.  I don't know if I should be angry or sad, happy or mad; I really don't know. I really want to disappear and disconnect myself from everyone; maybe that will help heal my pain, help heal my heartache. I love you so much, I wish you only understood.  But in order for me to move on, I want to disappear, reconnect with myself without any external influences, just me and my heart, mind and soul.  In time I will manage to heal, but as of right now, the pain lingers and penetrates my heart at random points in time.If you only knew how much I truly care and love you, maybe that will change things around  a bit... I love you so much..I honestly don't know how I will pull through....