I've distanced myself from a few people. The people I'm used to seeing everyday, talking to everyday and overall having a great friendship with. I had to make a sacrifice to suffice these feelings that I had developed for one of them. I couldn't face it in front of them, knowing it was wrong. Instead of coming clean, I pulled back, ran away hoping that it would go away, that I would forget about it and come to terms with myself that I didn't have feelings at all.
On my vacation in Las Vegas and Honolulu, I couldn't stop thinking about this person, it was bad. When I came home the feelings still surfaced, so I did what I had to, I distanced myself without even giving anyone a heads up. Now everything is awkward, our are friendships not the same. Maybe I should've said something then, and I wouldn't have this awkwardness or gap in my friendships, if there is still a friendship that I can salvage.
I fell in love with the wrong person, making up stories to cover it up, only to see that in the end I hurt myself, and screwed myself over. Why do I keep falling for the wrong person? This one person I clearly knew I could NOT have feelings for in that manner. She was my friend, one of my best friends that I told EVERYTHING to, well everything but my feelings. I know for a fact also that she doesn't feel the same way. I hoped my vacation would allow me to clear my head and rethink everything, hoping that it was just a misunderstanding, but apparently it WASN'T, my feelings were as real as anything you could imagine.
Do I just come clean and lay it on the table, clearing the weight on my shoulders but risking a great friendship at the same time or do I hold it in and hope that with time it will pass? I don't want things to be weird or awkward or anything. What the hell is wrong with me.. seriously. I don't know what to do, I can't distance myself forever because I value this friendship more than anything.. uggh decisions.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Darkness
Never have I ever felt such darkness, such loneliness, such desperation in my life. I have never wanted to give up on life more than I want to give up on it right now. I lay curled up in bed all day long unable to face the decisions I've made yet alone comprehend why I have made them.
Wait...I know why..One word.. FEAR.
One should never make decisions based on fear, especially when there is a lot at stake. Clearly my mind was not in a right state, now I've flushed what I have worked so hard for down the drain. Let opportunities disappear and slip right out of my hands. How can I live with myself knowing I've been making decisions based off of fear. What fear you ask? The fear of losing my life, fear of losing everyone, losing everything, dying without getting a chance to actually live.
They say good things happen to good people. I believe I'm a strong person, but I am constantly getting tormented by my past and being tormented by some force that apparently does not want me to be happy. I sacrifice so much for those I love only to be punished by some unexplainable force that doesn't want me to experience life as it happens.
I never wanted to live in the shadows of anyone, yet I am living in the shadow of one entity..MYSELF. I need to get out this rut, get myself out of bed and out in the world and find myself again. Laying in bed these past couple weeks, hiding out like a baby isn't who I am. Although I have been able to reflect on my past behavior, my past decisions and my life as a whole. It is a new year and I think it is time for me to turn a new leaf. If I'm going to be sick and have this health issue; I need to deal with it and face my fears. But how do I do that without the motivation? without the support? How do I start a new life when all I know is my old one? Last year my life was filled with nights getting drunk, waking up with a hangover, school, work, hanging with friends, going broke, but having the time of my life; making sacrifices to ensure that my full attention was given to those who needed it; befriended people I never thought I could ever be friends with; learning that some people are worth staying in your life while others were just not worth it. Sacrifices were made and stupid choices as well but I always bounced back..ghost of the past life I need to alter. now I have NOTHING...I'm trying to start a new life, but my old life haunts me...
I honestly feel so alone, like I have no one. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, that's why I hide at home, talk to myself, drive myself insane. Learning that I'm sick hasn't given me strength at all. All it has done was prove to myself what kind of coward I am. This whole situation has taken its toll, caused me to make stupid decisions and shut everyone out.
Every day I feel like dying. I'm crying out for help but no one seems to listen or give a damn or cares to bother to see how I'm doing, or better yet fails to keep plans to help distract me from all of this. This is the saddest I've been ever. and honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I can't expect much but sometimes a simple "hey, how you doing?" or a hug, or a pat on the shoulder to reassure me that everything is going to be okay would be nice. I don't ask for much attention and I don't ask for much help, but sure could really use someone right now. It's not always me who has to call or text, I shouldn't have to be the one always initiating conversations when the other person is just as well equipped to start one as well. I'm losing myself in the whole concept of this sickness and burying myself in the stupid decisions I've made because of it. The only thing I do want to do is give up and go to a place where I don't have to feel this pain, this hurt and this agony anymore.
I've lost hope and all faith that everything is going to be alright, because apparently no matter how positively I think, no matter how hard I set my mind to accomplishing something. In the end, I'm just a failure. I fail at friendship, I fail at working, I fail at school, but most of all I've failed myself..I can't lie to myself and tell myself that I'm happy, like I've been lying to myself all these years. I'm done, I'm over it. I literally have no will even try knowing the end is near.
Wait...I know why..One word.. FEAR.
One should never make decisions based on fear, especially when there is a lot at stake. Clearly my mind was not in a right state, now I've flushed what I have worked so hard for down the drain. Let opportunities disappear and slip right out of my hands. How can I live with myself knowing I've been making decisions based off of fear. What fear you ask? The fear of losing my life, fear of losing everyone, losing everything, dying without getting a chance to actually live.
They say good things happen to good people. I believe I'm a strong person, but I am constantly getting tormented by my past and being tormented by some force that apparently does not want me to be happy. I sacrifice so much for those I love only to be punished by some unexplainable force that doesn't want me to experience life as it happens.
I never wanted to live in the shadows of anyone, yet I am living in the shadow of one entity..MYSELF. I need to get out this rut, get myself out of bed and out in the world and find myself again. Laying in bed these past couple weeks, hiding out like a baby isn't who I am. Although I have been able to reflect on my past behavior, my past decisions and my life as a whole. It is a new year and I think it is time for me to turn a new leaf. If I'm going to be sick and have this health issue; I need to deal with it and face my fears. But how do I do that without the motivation? without the support? How do I start a new life when all I know is my old one? Last year my life was filled with nights getting drunk, waking up with a hangover, school, work, hanging with friends, going broke, but having the time of my life; making sacrifices to ensure that my full attention was given to those who needed it; befriended people I never thought I could ever be friends with; learning that some people are worth staying in your life while others were just not worth it. Sacrifices were made and stupid choices as well but I always bounced back..ghost of the past life I need to alter. now I have NOTHING...I'm trying to start a new life, but my old life haunts me...
I honestly feel so alone, like I have no one. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, that's why I hide at home, talk to myself, drive myself insane. Learning that I'm sick hasn't given me strength at all. All it has done was prove to myself what kind of coward I am. This whole situation has taken its toll, caused me to make stupid decisions and shut everyone out.
Every day I feel like dying. I'm crying out for help but no one seems to listen or give a damn or cares to bother to see how I'm doing, or better yet fails to keep plans to help distract me from all of this. This is the saddest I've been ever. and honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I can't expect much but sometimes a simple "hey, how you doing?" or a hug, or a pat on the shoulder to reassure me that everything is going to be okay would be nice. I don't ask for much attention and I don't ask for much help, but sure could really use someone right now. It's not always me who has to call or text, I shouldn't have to be the one always initiating conversations when the other person is just as well equipped to start one as well. I'm losing myself in the whole concept of this sickness and burying myself in the stupid decisions I've made because of it. The only thing I do want to do is give up and go to a place where I don't have to feel this pain, this hurt and this agony anymore.
I've lost hope and all faith that everything is going to be alright, because apparently no matter how positively I think, no matter how hard I set my mind to accomplishing something. In the end, I'm just a failure. I fail at friendship, I fail at working, I fail at school, but most of all I've failed myself..I can't lie to myself and tell myself that I'm happy, like I've been lying to myself all these years. I'm done, I'm over it. I literally have no will even try knowing the end is near.
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