With Time...

"In this life, I was LOVED by you...." -Brada Iz

It has been 13 years since I last saw you smile, since I last hugged you, since the last time I heard you say "I love you baby."  13 years is a long time ago, but it seems like just yesterday I walked through the hospital room door to say my last and final goodbye. You were weak, sick and suffering; I didn't understand then what I understand now.  To me, at the age of 8 it was just a normal visit to the hospital, thinking you'd be home soon with the rest of us.  I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand anything. I thought you left me, I thought you wanted to go, for a long time I felt that I was the one who made you sick and I thought it was all my fault that you were gone.  But as the years progressed, I realized and I learned that death is a part of life and that one day we will be reunited once again.  I hated you for leaving, every aspect of my life changed, everything went downhill, I blamed every wrong decision, every wrong choice made by my parents, my grandma, my family on your death.  Everyday I thought to myself, "if papang was alive, thing would be soo different"  But now I understand and I accept that things happen for a reason, death being one of them. 

As time passed, I began to not hate you, to not blame you.  I accepted the fact and accepted the things going on in my life. I didn't understand anything, growing up, but now I do. I've become a strong and independent woman, one who values friendship, love and compassion for others. I've learned to stand on my own two feet, to stand my ground and BE WHO I AM.

But lately I've been feeling so blue.There's never been a time in my life where I've ever felt more lost.  I really wish you were here, physically, to comfort and support me.  I just miss you so much. I just long to hear your words of advice, to hear you say that "everything is going to be okay."  I love my friends and all that they do for me, but right now I'm longing for love from my family, and I'm not getting it. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost, confused, isolated and in the dark, I wish you were here to make it better.

Remembering your death anniversary hurts me a lot, yet I know you are in a better place, watching over me and everyone else. I haven't felt so emotional, lost, sad and confused all at once where it just overwhelmed me. I'm pretty sure I am at my breaking point.

But I just wanted to say, that I miss and Love you very much. I remember singing this song at your funeral and every time I hear it, I think of you.  I love you.

Nothing

It feels like it was just yesterday...when I held you tight in my arms beneath the starlit sky with the sound of the ocean breaking against the wall we sat on. Each memory replays in my mind over and over again. I thought by now, I would've learned to let go. I thought I was doing better, not thinking about you or even talking to you. I thought I would be able to let go after those hurtful things you said, it made it easier, but I still think about you.

Every day, every single day I can't get you out of my mind.  Lately you've been there, sitting in my mind, making my heart pound, making my body yearn for your touch...something.  Things will never be the same. But I do know, the only thing that won't change is how I feel about you.  I honestly miss you. A lot.

This song has been on repeat, it pretty much explains its all. "I wanted words, but all I got was Nothing." In reality, I get nothing from you. Not even an acknowledgement. That hurts me more than ever. Seeing you everyday between classes, knowing that you see me yet...nothing.  I always have to fight the urge to look your way, or to even smile. Because honestly, as much hurt and pain I'm feeling, I still smile when I see you.  But from you...nothing...

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh I got nothing

I got nothing [x3]

Still yet...

Out of all the pain I've been through. After all the sadness, the tears and the frustration.  After many sleepless nights, b*tching and complaining.  After telling you everything that I needed to say; after you telling me we can't be friends, that I'm a disappointment, that I'm kind of immature and a kind of a bad decision...After being hurt, confused and lost.  I STILL miss you.  As much as I say that I don't want to see you, that I don't want to talk to you; a part of me still longs for that moment when I see you or for a moment where we talk for a brief moment.

I don't know why. I can't explain it myself. I can't understand why.  But for some odd reason, deep down inside, through all the hurt and pain you've caused, I really still do miss you.  I know its bad, I know I should stay away and I have been keeping my distance, but although it doesn't hurt as much I still want to feel your presence.  Weird I know. I still think about you, I still have feelings for you, BUT moving on is my number one priority. I've been good at keeping at that. Keeping my distance, ignoring you, fighting my emotions. Just have to keep at it.

Sometimes I wish though....that somehow I can tell you I miss you, or somehow you would know that I do. Sometimes I wonder if you miss me too or think about me the way that I think about you sometimes.
I really don't know.  But day after day, it gets easier and easier to get through this little obstacle. I'm trying and I'll keep at it...