It has been 13 years since I last saw you smile, since I last hugged you, since the last time I heard you say "I love you baby." 13 years is a long time ago, but it seems like just yesterday I walked through the hospital room door to say my last and final goodbye. You were weak, sick and suffering; I didn't understand then what I understand now. To me, at the age of 8 it was just a normal visit to the hospital, thinking you'd be home soon with the rest of us. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand anything. I thought you left me, I thought you wanted to go, for a long time I felt that I was the one who made you sick and I thought it was all my fault that you were gone. But as the years progressed, I realized and I learned that death is a part of life and that one day we will be reunited once again. I hated you for leaving, every aspect of my life changed, everything went downhill, I blamed every wrong decision, every wrong choice made by my parents, my grandma, my family on your death. Everyday I thought to myself, "if papang was alive, thing would be soo different" But now I understand and I accept that things happen for a reason, death being one of them.
As time passed, I began to not hate you, to not blame you. I accepted the fact and accepted the things going on in my life. I didn't understand anything, growing up, but now I do. I've become a strong and independent woman, one who values friendship, love and compassion for others. I've learned to stand on my own two feet, to stand my ground and BE WHO I AM.
But lately I've been feeling so blue.There's never been a time in my life where I've ever felt more lost. I really wish you were here, physically, to comfort and support me. I just miss you so much. I just long to hear your words of advice, to hear you say that "everything is going to be okay." I love my friends and all that they do for me, but right now I'm longing for love from my family, and I'm not getting it. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost, confused, isolated and in the dark, I wish you were here to make it better.
Remembering your death anniversary hurts me a lot, yet I know you are in a better place, watching over me and everyone else. I haven't felt so emotional, lost, sad and confused all at once where it just overwhelmed me. I'm pretty sure I am at my breaking point.
But I just wanted to say, that I miss and Love you very much. I remember singing this song at your funeral and every time I hear it, I think of you. I love you.
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