Lost In Time

Its been quite a while since I last blogged.  The last time I was just merely getting over a break up, trying to find my way out of the darkness. Guess what, I finally did..only to find myself sucked into another black hole in the present day.

Let me first begin by saying that I learned a lot from the experience that I encountered last year. I was toyed around and played with; taken advantaged of and hurt; misused and abused.  I now know better, and I do hold my guard up quite high.  After the breakup, and enduring more pain that was caused by others I lost over 30lbs, my body was feeling great, I was exercising everyday, eating good. I was prime. I was getting over the drama, the pain and heartache. I graduated from college and went to Vegas and Oahu for a few weeks to celebrate. I was great; I even stopped drinking.

I then came home from my vacation to no job, no school, CHANGE.  The change took its toll on me, I was so used to working full time and going to school full time, I forgot how to relax and enjoy the time not needing to do anything. I was so lost and didn't know what to do with myself.  I isolated myself at home, thought things over, sorted out who were really my friends, sorted out things in my life that needed much needed attention that I've been neglecting over the past year. Last year was such a blurr, everyday drunk, recovering and doing it all over again. I can't remember much but the pain, heartache and mistrust. The negatives.

But it was a new year and I was determined for change. I stopped drinking and started taking care of myself. Then my best friend left for basic training, I must say I became depressed, I let myself go.  Since my best friend left, I put on half the weight I lost prior; I've started drinking excessively and a lot of the choices I have been making have not been the right ones.

As of right now at this very moment, I am determined to change my life around, stop drinking excessively, get back on the exercise bandwagon, and start eating healthy again. That is as much as I can do for my body.

For my heart, that is a totally different story. Oh I also started working at a new job, with Hilton Grand Vacations, its a stressful job but I am up for the challenge.

Just wanted to post an updated. I'll try to blog regularly again. More happy blogs though! Promise

Distance

I've distanced myself from a few people.  The people I'm used to seeing everyday, talking to everyday and overall having a great friendship with.  I had to make a sacrifice to suffice these feelings that I had developed for one of them.  I couldn't face it in front of them, knowing it was wrong.  Instead of coming clean, I pulled back, ran away hoping that it would go away, that I would forget about it and come to terms with myself that I didn't have feelings at all.

On my vacation in Las Vegas and Honolulu, I couldn't stop thinking about this person, it was bad.  When I came home the feelings still surfaced, so I did what I had to, I distanced myself without even giving anyone a heads up. Now everything is awkward, our are friendships not the same. Maybe I should've said something then, and I wouldn't have this awkwardness or gap in my friendships, if there is still a friendship that I can salvage. 

I fell in love with the wrong person, making up stories to cover it up, only to see that in the end I hurt myself, and screwed myself over.  Why do I keep falling for the wrong person? This one person I clearly knew I could NOT have feelings for in that manner. She was my friend, one of my best friends that I told EVERYTHING to, well everything but my feelings. I know for a fact also that she doesn't feel the same way.  I hoped my vacation would allow me to clear my head and rethink everything, hoping that it was just a misunderstanding, but apparently it WASN'T, my feelings were as real as anything you could imagine.

Do I just come clean and lay it on the table, clearing the weight on my shoulders but risking a great friendship at the same time or do I hold it in and hope that with time it will pass? I don't want things to be weird or awkward or anything. What the hell is wrong with me.. seriously. I don't know what to do, I can't distance myself forever because I value this friendship more than anything.. uggh decisions.

Darkness

Never have I ever felt such darkness, such loneliness, such desperation in my life. I have never wanted to give up on life more than I want to give up on it right now.  I lay curled up in bed all day long unable to face the decisions I've made yet alone comprehend why I have made them.

Wait...I know why..One word.. FEAR.

One should never make decisions based on fear, especially when there is a lot at stake. Clearly my mind was not in a right state, now I've flushed what I have worked so hard for down the drain. Let opportunities disappear and slip right out of my hands.  How can I live with myself knowing I've been making decisions based off of fear. What fear you ask? The fear of losing my life, fear of losing everyone, losing everything, dying without getting a chance to actually live.

They say good things happen to good people. I believe I'm a strong person, but I am constantly getting tormented by my past and being tormented by some force that apparently does not want me to be happy.  I sacrifice so much for those I love only to be punished by some unexplainable force that doesn't want me to experience life as it happens.

I never wanted to live in the shadows of anyone, yet I am living in the shadow of one entity..MYSELF. I need to get out this rut, get myself out of bed and out in the world and find myself again.  Laying in bed these past couple weeks, hiding out like a baby isn't who I am.  Although I have been able to reflect on my past behavior, my past decisions and my life as a whole.  It is a new year and I think it is time for me to turn a new leaf.  If I'm going to be sick and have this health issue; I need to deal with it and face my fears.  But how do I do that without the motivation? without the support? How do I start a new life when all I know is my old one? Last year my life was filled with nights getting drunk, waking up with a hangover, school, work, hanging with friends, going broke, but having the time of my life; making sacrifices to ensure that my full attention was given to those who needed it; befriended people I never thought I could ever be friends with; learning that some people are worth staying in your life while others were just not worth it. Sacrifices were made and stupid choices as well but I always bounced back..ghost of the past life I need to alter. now I have NOTHING...I'm trying to start a new life, but my old life haunts me...

I honestly feel so alone, like I have no one. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, that's why I hide at home, talk to myself, drive myself insane.  Learning that I'm sick hasn't given me strength at all. All it has done was prove to myself what kind of coward I am. This whole situation has taken its toll, caused me to make stupid decisions and shut everyone out.

Every day I feel like dying. I'm crying out for help but no one seems to listen or give a damn or cares to bother to see how I'm doing, or better yet fails to keep plans to help distract me from all of this. This is the saddest I've been ever. and honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I can't expect much but sometimes a simple "hey, how you doing?" or a hug, or a pat on the shoulder to reassure me that everything is going to be okay would be nice. I don't ask for much attention and I don't ask for much help, but sure could really use someone right now. It's not always me who has to call or text, I shouldn't have to be the one always initiating conversations when the other person is just as well equipped to start one as well. I'm losing myself in the whole concept of this sickness and burying myself in the stupid decisions I've made because of it. The only thing I do want to do is give up and go to a place where I don't have to feel this pain, this hurt and this agony anymore.

I've lost hope and all faith that everything is going to be alright, because apparently no matter how positively I think, no matter how hard I set my mind to accomplishing something. In the end, I'm just a failure.  I fail at friendship, I fail at working, I fail at school, but most of all I've failed myself..I can't lie to myself and tell myself that I'm happy, like I've been lying to myself all these years. I'm done, I'm over it. I literally have no will even try knowing the end is near.

Wishing

This song sums everything up. Wishing by Sugarland. I saw you tonight, I thought I could be strong, but obviously not. I miss you so much, it makes me sad, but I won't let it bring me down to my knees again. I just pray to God to give me the strength and will to move on....Wishing I didn't love you anymore...

Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim
I know it's gonna fit me like a friend
Or some radio song you can't help but sing along
Wishing they'd spin it over and over again

Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive
Smell of rain on a summer night
Anything that brings a little more comfort my way
But sometimes, there's those times
It's gotta be you

I keep telling myself I'm movin' on
But I'm stumbling
Believin' my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wanderin'
But every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you anymore

I've tried turning to the arms of someone new
But I can't seem to fool this fool
I've seen closin' times with every bottle dry
And I've seen days alone in my own room
I've asked God and magazines, stacks of books and movie screens
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way
But sometimes, there's those times
It's gotta be you

I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on
But I'm stumbling
Believin' my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wandering
'Cause every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you anymore
Will you give me more?

I've done everything I can to forget
If there is a way, I ain't found it yet

I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on
Believin' my heart was strong
But every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you
What I'd give if I could touch you

Wishin' I didn't love you anymore

With Time...

"In this life, I was LOVED by you...." -Brada Iz

It has been 13 years since I last saw you smile, since I last hugged you, since the last time I heard you say "I love you baby."  13 years is a long time ago, but it seems like just yesterday I walked through the hospital room door to say my last and final goodbye. You were weak, sick and suffering; I didn't understand then what I understand now.  To me, at the age of 8 it was just a normal visit to the hospital, thinking you'd be home soon with the rest of us.  I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand anything. I thought you left me, I thought you wanted to go, for a long time I felt that I was the one who made you sick and I thought it was all my fault that you were gone.  But as the years progressed, I realized and I learned that death is a part of life and that one day we will be reunited once again.  I hated you for leaving, every aspect of my life changed, everything went downhill, I blamed every wrong decision, every wrong choice made by my parents, my grandma, my family on your death.  Everyday I thought to myself, "if papang was alive, thing would be soo different"  But now I understand and I accept that things happen for a reason, death being one of them. 

As time passed, I began to not hate you, to not blame you.  I accepted the fact and accepted the things going on in my life. I didn't understand anything, growing up, but now I do. I've become a strong and independent woman, one who values friendship, love and compassion for others. I've learned to stand on my own two feet, to stand my ground and BE WHO I AM.

But lately I've been feeling so blue.There's never been a time in my life where I've ever felt more lost.  I really wish you were here, physically, to comfort and support me.  I just miss you so much. I just long to hear your words of advice, to hear you say that "everything is going to be okay."  I love my friends and all that they do for me, but right now I'm longing for love from my family, and I'm not getting it. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost, confused, isolated and in the dark, I wish you were here to make it better.

Remembering your death anniversary hurts me a lot, yet I know you are in a better place, watching over me and everyone else. I haven't felt so emotional, lost, sad and confused all at once where it just overwhelmed me. I'm pretty sure I am at my breaking point.

But I just wanted to say, that I miss and Love you very much. I remember singing this song at your funeral and every time I hear it, I think of you.  I love you.

Nothing

It feels like it was just yesterday...when I held you tight in my arms beneath the starlit sky with the sound of the ocean breaking against the wall we sat on. Each memory replays in my mind over and over again. I thought by now, I would've learned to let go. I thought I was doing better, not thinking about you or even talking to you. I thought I would be able to let go after those hurtful things you said, it made it easier, but I still think about you.

Every day, every single day I can't get you out of my mind.  Lately you've been there, sitting in my mind, making my heart pound, making my body yearn for your touch...something.  Things will never be the same. But I do know, the only thing that won't change is how I feel about you.  I honestly miss you. A lot.

This song has been on repeat, it pretty much explains its all. "I wanted words, but all I got was Nothing." In reality, I get nothing from you. Not even an acknowledgement. That hurts me more than ever. Seeing you everyday between classes, knowing that you see me yet...nothing.  I always have to fight the urge to look your way, or to even smile. Because honestly, as much hurt and pain I'm feeling, I still smile when I see you.  But from you...nothing...

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh I got nothing

I got nothing [x3]

Still yet...

Out of all the pain I've been through. After all the sadness, the tears and the frustration.  After many sleepless nights, b*tching and complaining.  After telling you everything that I needed to say; after you telling me we can't be friends, that I'm a disappointment, that I'm kind of immature and a kind of a bad decision...After being hurt, confused and lost.  I STILL miss you.  As much as I say that I don't want to see you, that I don't want to talk to you; a part of me still longs for that moment when I see you or for a moment where we talk for a brief moment.

I don't know why. I can't explain it myself. I can't understand why.  But for some odd reason, deep down inside, through all the hurt and pain you've caused, I really still do miss you.  I know its bad, I know I should stay away and I have been keeping my distance, but although it doesn't hurt as much I still want to feel your presence.  Weird I know. I still think about you, I still have feelings for you, BUT moving on is my number one priority. I've been good at keeping at that. Keeping my distance, ignoring you, fighting my emotions. Just have to keep at it.

Sometimes I wish though....that somehow I can tell you I miss you, or somehow you would know that I do. Sometimes I wonder if you miss me too or think about me the way that I think about you sometimes.
I really don't know.  But day after day, it gets easier and easier to get through this little obstacle. I'm trying and I'll keep at it...