Lifeless Smile

As I sit and reflect on things that are occurring in my life, I ponder upon the things that make me smile. Lately, I have been a lost soul, walking around within crowds of people so lost and confused.  Lifeless, crying out for help, burning deep with anguish, pain and sadness. The feeling of loneliness, emptiness and sadness continue to haunt me as I try to focus on the good things in life, the things that make me smile.  It is no longer an act, the hurt and pain continues to show, my smile no longer hides the feelings that is just waiting to rupture and explode from within.  A smile once filled with joy, happiness and excitement, is now just a lifeless gesture that shows my pain and sorrow.  There is so much things eating away at me inside, that no happiness or joy can find its way, only  getting lost in a dark cold world.

I am not the person that I used to be, anyone can tell you that, everyone can see it.  The sadness is spreading through my body like an uncontrollable virus, waiting to kill me slowly.  The only army fighting the sadness is my will to move on, to let go, to be happy.  But even now days, that army is slowly losing to the dark, cold world of sadness.  You can see it in my face, you can see it in my eyes, the signs of defeat. My smile can no longer hide the pain and agony within. It simply rests upon my face telling everyone that I am so close to accepting defeat.  No will to move on, no will to let go, nothing. Who knew, that one person can drastically affect your life that much....

I try to surround myself with people that once made me smile, made me happy. I play with my little siblings, the two growing up so fast, but even they sense that a part of me is different.  No matter what i went through, a couple minutes with them would always turn my day around, would always make me smile and happy. But after spending time with them, I only feel pain and sadness.  Why do I feel this way?
I surround myself with friends, who I know can make me laugh and smile. But I feel that I am so caught up and stuck in this black hole, that no matter what they say or do, cant genuinely bring out a REAL smile.  I'm stuck, in need of massive help.

I once loved life to the fullest, now I just want to sulk in my misery.  I'm trying to find ways to cope with this sadness, anger, fear and frustration. Day by Day when I think things are getting better. BAM! I get hit with a bomb that pushes me farther into the dark abyss.  


Who knew..all this...over you....