For my first blog, I would like to write about what has been troubling my mind lately. I am a simple person living a very complicated life, but hey, who isn't? In life there are people who come in and out of our lives; some leave footprints in our hearts, while others just come along for the ride and disappear. To me, TRUST is the most important aspect of any relationship that I hold with any individual, whether it is a friend or a significant other. It takes a while for me to build trust and develop a relationship with others. I feel like I am the type of person who shelters my feelings and emotions because of the fear of getting hurt by another. Many people have came into my life and left; many of which I trusted ever so deeply. At this very moment I am torn between two paths and no matter what path that I choose to take, I will end up hurting someone, regretting the decision, or realizing that I have messed up BIG time.
Who do you believe when you are being told two different stories? Who do you believe when you trust both persons equally? What do you do? How do you cope? Who is lying? These are just a few of the questions that run across my mind as I sit and search for the truth. Here you have two people, who you thought you trusted, who you thought would never do you wrong. But I was just being blindsided by the characteristics of their good nature and posture. Learning on my own, that everyone indeed has a dark side. It comes down to the questions of, who do you really trust? or who do you think is lying? Each story presented is both believable, but also present are some flaws that just does not make any sense. Who do you believe when both stories are believable? When both are trying to convince you that the other is doing wrong?
I believe it is something I need to figure out on my own, but along the way, the feelings of hurt and confusion overwhelm my mind. The feeling of "wonder" preoccupies my mind to a point where I cannot think straight, where I am starting to lie just to make the other person look good. I DO NOT enjoy this situation that I am in one bit. How do I get out of it? I will have to learn on my own, and see who really is telling me the truth, or is just telling me some bullsh*t story just to make the other person look bad. I truly want to give each person the benefit of the doubt, that is something I am willing to do, but when more doubts and more information is introduced to the picture, I just do not know what to do.
There is one aspect of this problem that weighs heavily on who I will believe, and in the end, I believe that seeing the interaction with this person will ultimately tell me the truth. The one person that is able to get to me, that is able to play with my mind, that is able to toy with every emotion knowing that it is effecting you, I like to call..."the devil." There is only one person who irritates me so much, that I let it affect my life. I know I shouldn't care what people think or have to say about me, BUT for some reason this person just gets to me! How do I stop this? Trying to convince myself day after day that it is stupid and that I am a better person, mind over matter. It works at times, but lately seeing visual confirmation that my theories about my "so-called" friends have a slight possibility of being true, I start to pull away into a state of confusion. I am honestly beginning to wonder if I am over-reacting, or over-analyzing things. I could be, but on the other hand, my theories could be correct. It feels like one big game. Where everyone is just trying to make my life a living hell. But I will not let them make a fool of me. I will be one step ahead of everyone. Or at least try to anyway.
I really am in a state of confusion, I do not know who to believe and who "not" to believe. I know everyone is trying to look out for me, but sometimes, I wish people would not tell me things, because it only makes the situation a whole lot more complicated. But we shall see, only time will tell and heal all wounds. As I go through this journey to find truth, I know I will be making enemies and hurting a few people's feelings, BUT all I want to know is the truth and be gone from this state of confusion.
What is the next step?? or What shall I do now?
<--Gayle-->
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